Survival mode

There is nothing worse than realizing we are the spectator of our own life rather than the creator. Because society has so many norms and standards, we usually just drift in life, trying to check as many right boxes as possible, with just a little twist to feel unique, like nice belongings or a hobby. No matter the amount of awareness, knowledge or intelligence, backing off from the modern deal is a huge struggle against our own instincts, conditionings and subconscious beliefs. This is coming from the mind of a rebel at heart, or at least, people who know me well thought I was. From a very young age, I questioned everything. To me, nothing was normal or obvious, especially status quo, especially authority. Yet, there is a huge difference between thinking out of the box, and acting out of the box. When I realized that gap in my own life, my life prospects became unbearable to me. It was just as if a killer was standing in front of me, I felt the adrenaline rush, the cortisol outburst (aka anxiety) that would hardly go down since. It was the feeling of danger, I had to do something as if my life was at stake. The natural response to danger is either to flight or fight. I chose neither, because the killer was obviously only in my head. What I had to do, however, was to stay awake, to keep my attention and presence as intense as in that clicking moment of danger, never switching back to auto-pilot as many of my peers. It was living intentionally every single moment.

 From spectator to creator

This is where I started to take things one baby step at the time, focusing on small wins while slowly rekindling with my intuition and inner voice. After working for years in a corporate job in marketing, I decided to move to France and go back to school to study international management. But  instead of looking for a 9 to 5 job right after graduation, I decided to take my time to figure out the kind of life I truly wanted. It was not the safest option, nor the one that felt the best. In fact it could be a one way trip to depression, falling from being the responsible adult and woman to the unemployed time-bomb. But I needed to step out of the box and take charge of my dreams. One of them was yoga. For once I had this incredible chance to dedicate myself full time to my passions. This is where I took a leap of faith and went all in in the process. I enrolled in my 200 and 300 hours teacher trainings within a few months, eager to grow my own practice and learn all about it. What I didn’t realise back then is that I had been teaching countless hours to friends and relatives without even trying, in both english and french. During that time I had no idea that being a teacher was a serious option or that I would one day make it a profession. It was not long after that I received my first proposal to give yoga lessons to the employees of an international company based in Paris.

Fitness background

I have been a fitness lover for the past ten years, going to the gym almost every day, lifting weights like American girls do, climbing endless stairs just for fun. At first it was an attempt to gain control over my body, as many young people do. Little did I know it will also shape my mind and provide me with a sense of discipline, confidence, strength and achievement that I never suspected. Still, after working out for so many years and hitting my goals, I couldn’t help but notice it was far from ideal. I could not wrap my mind around the constant urge to grow more muscle mass, which was so useless in daily life. Why spend so much energy building muscle, while also fueling on large quantities of food that required additional energy to be digested? The over-emphasis on body image, which I did not mind at first (because let’s be honest, who does not want to look good) became increasingly meaningless to me. Moreover, I hated the fact that I was strong and athletic but not so functional : I felt stiff way too often and I could not run without hurting my knee. At that time I was not so familiar with mobility training and did not spend much time stretching either. Above all, my body was actually under a lot of stress. Of course the hormonal hack and post-workout happiness were addictive. And for sure the method was efficient, I felt strong, healthy and attractive. But I was overloading my body with unnecessary muscle weight, food intake and activity.

For what purpose exactly? Growing the body to the size of the ego and call it all strength? Despite all, I still love weight lifting. My fitness background actually came in handy to pick up yoga. But I had to expose the reasons why I started to crave an approach to the body that was more aligned with my values, maybe a bit less materialistic and radically holistic, something  I could particularly relate to as a woman.

Embracing yoga

Yoga was manifested by a growing need of a stretching routine at the end of my workouts, which slowly became more fun than weight-lifting itself. Then it was the urge to play and explore the abilities of my body, like standing upside down, trying out splits or looking for my center of gravity in various positions. It was pure child play, something very physical and instinctive at first. I could not wait to enroll into my first training, which I knew would be a revelation. I learned so much about yogic philosophy, anatomy, breath work, ayurveda, meditation and so on, then all of the sudden everything aligned, making perfect sense.  Yoga became a growing part of my life, leaving its strong impressions on every aspect of it. It manifested in so many different ways,  I remember when the gyms closed again during the pandemic, I did not get upset. I saw it as an opportunity to stop working out for once in my life and closely observe how my body adapted, examining every feeling and sensation. I loved the lightness that came in naturally from needing less food, digesting less and losing some muscle. My system was regulating itself, bringing me to a balance. I had enough muscle to sustain my experiment for months. I was genuinely curious and even enthusiastic, because I have never been inactive before. This is the kind of insights that yoga can bring, creating a healthy and sustainable mindset. My passion for yoga today goes way beyond the physical practice. Unlike many other sports, yoga taught me a radical approach to life : letting go in every possible way, consuming less and rather, creating more, and being mindful of everything I do, whether pleasurable or not. 

But this is a whole other story.

With love,

Sarah